Fourteen years
Thirty minutes
Fifteen seconds I’ve
Held this grudge
Eleven songs
Four full journals
Thoughts of punishment
I’ve expended
Not in contact
Not a letter
Such communication
Telepathic
You’ve been vilified
Used as fodder
You deserve a piece
Of every record
But who’s it hurting now?
Who’s the one that’s stuck?
Who’s it torturing now
With an antique knot in her stomach?
I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that’s grown old
All this time I’ve not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us
Like an abandoned house
Dusty covered
Furniture
Still intact
If I visit it now
Will I simply re-live it
Somehow gratuitous
But who’s still aching now?
Who’s tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing
Maybe as I cut the cord
Veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
Dead weight off my shoulders will rise
Here I sit
Much determined
Ever ill-equipped
To draw this curtain
How this has entertained
Validated
And has served me well
Ever the victim
But who’s done whining now?
Who’s ready to put down
This load I’ve carried longer than I had cared to remember
I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that’s grown old
For the life of me I’ve not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us.
———————————————-
- June 2
- , 2012
“The worst pain in our lives comes from the mistakes we refuse to acknowledge—the things we’ve done that are so out of harmony with who we are that we can’t bear to look at them. We become two people in one skin, two people who can’t stand each other. The liar and the person who despises liars. The thief and the person who despises thieves. There is no pain like the pain of that battle, raging below the level of consciousness. We run from it, but it runs with us. Wherever we run, we take the battle with us.”
John Verdon
And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore.
Anne Lamott (via creatingaquietmind)(via quote-book)
Love, they say, enslaves and passion is a demon and many have been lost for love. I know this is true, but I know too that without love we grope the tunnels of our lives and never see the sun.
Jeanette Winterson, The Passion (via helplesslyamazed)(Source: quote-book)
Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.
C.S Lewis (St. Augustine)(Source: yearslater, via quote-book)
I’m not a concept. Too many guys think I’m a concept or I complete them or I’m going to make them alive, but I’m just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
There are just some kind of men who’re so busy worrying about the next world they’ve never learned to live in this one, and you can look down the street and see the results.
Harper Lee
So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
Christopher Mccandless (via light-essence)(Source: quote-book)
Everyday we ignore how completely broken this world is. And we tell ourselves it’s all gonna be okay, ‘You’re gonna be okay!’ but it’s not okay. And once you know that, there’s no going back. There’s no magic in the world. At least not today, there isn’t.
Haley James Scott (One Tree Hill) (via ishainparis)(Source: quote-book)
Politeness. Now, there’s a poor man’s virtue if there ever was one. What’s so admirable about inoffensiveness, I should like to know. After all, it’s easily achieved. One needs no particular talent to be polite. On the contrary, being nice is what’s left when you’ve failed at everything else. People with ambition don’t give a damn what other people think about them.
The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield (via jessicaloveex3) (via quote-book)
